did she ever really exist at all?
by starchaserxonea
Summary: for the girl who was never meant to be - lisanna feels (mentions of slight bickslowxlisanna). Hiro Mashima owns FT.


Lisanna Strauss is the girl who stares at the mirror like it's an enemy – she glares at the reflection and eyes the curves and traces the rivets and imperfections with her piercing gaze and pretends she's something worthwhile.

Lisanna Strauss is just the girl who doesn't remember why she's broken.

_**/ / /**_

She doesn't remember why she likes him anymore. His smirks are annoying and his eyes are always hidden and his shoulders are usually set in a haughty way. But something about him piques her interest like a curious enigma and she watches with gleaming eyes as he performs the simplest of tasks.

Lisanna Strauss observes the way they _all_ move with growing wonder.

_**/ / /**_

Lucy Heartfilia is beautiful. She is kind and selfless and has the personality that could light up the room.

Mirajane Strauss has the smile of a mother and the mindset of a big sister – she holds the hands of those who cry and kicks the asses of those who made them cry.

Erza Scarlet is stronger than stone and fiercer than anyone else even though her heart is as fragile as a butterfly and she smiles through the pain.

And Lisanna Strauss is somehow lost in the plethora of amazing people – she is a simple nobody in a crowd of someone's.

_**/ / /**_

Lisanna Strauss forgot how to cry too long ago and even if tears did streak down her dry-_dry_ cheeks, she wouldn't remember how to go about it. She wouldn't remember if she should cover her face or cry alone or find someone to cry with. But still, Lisanna just stayed quiet and sat at the bar, convinced that if she kept watching them, they would morph back to how they used to be.

But, as minutes turned to hours and hours to days, nothing happened. And Lisanna began to realize she'd never see them in the same way ever again.

_**/ / /**_

"Oh, so you're just perfect, right?" Bickslow's voice was cutting like a knife through her skin. He didn't understand the effect he had on her. _She_ didn't even understand it.

"No, I'm not," Lisanna promised, "I'm certainly not."

His voice went sharp and she felt his covered eyes narrow, "Yea, right."

"No, really," she slowly grew quieter as the rain outside pounded, "I'm not."

_**/ / /**_

She stared at the rain running rivulets down the window. Lisanna can't remember if she was supposed to be sad or morose today, but her siblings were at the graves of her parent's and she stayed far away from the graveyard and her still-standing gravestone. And her hands were shaking against the windowsill – she couldn't decide if being conflicted was the best option or if she should go far, far away and forget this all. It would be easier to leave.

She should just forget everything; Lisanna made up her mind with slumped shoulders and pursed lips.

_**/ / /**_

This place wasn't how she remembered it. The grass hut was practically nonexistent, and the trees surrounding it were bear with fall's arrival. Chilly wind scattered the fields and Lisanna didn't shiver in her skin, but instead knelt down at the makeshift grave dedicated to her and stared at the engraving. She sat there for hours, letting the cold freeze her bones and she tried to muscle through her emotions, but to no avail.

And slowly, the season's first snow drifted from the heavens, cloaking her pure.

_**/ / /**_

She still likes him. The way he's quiet. The way he pretends he doesn't care. So it strikes her a little odd as he slowly walks to her in the abnormally empty guild and perches at the bar near her.

"Where's Mira?"

"Out with Freed."

"Oh."

Silence enveloped them as she wiped the bar top and she pretended that this wasn't too awkward. Then a big hand fell atop her smaller one and she stilled as chilly air swept through the open doors of the guild, causing what members who were still present to shiver.

"I'm sorry."

Her posture softened as she let a small smile grace her face, "Don't be."

_**/ / /**_

It was snowing heavily as Lisanna revisited the place she'd been going to a lot lately. She crouched by the nearly-snow-covered headstone and tugged her black beanie farther over her ears. She doesn't know why she comes here – after all, Lisanna hates it. It's a reminder of what never was, what could have been, and what never should have happened. But still she returns, day after day, week after week, to this place – the same place that never should have meant a thing.

Her hand makes an impression in the snow and is nearly burnt by the cold, but she just lets her fingers turn light blue and pale as snowflakes cover it whole. Lisanna pulls away and she stares at the deep handprint and for a moment is nearly proud of it, but it's quickly covered by other things – greater things with more meaning than that.

And she smiles a very sad smile as the winds grow harsher.

_**/ / /**_

Her fingers stroke the reflective, cold surface and her blue-_blue_ eyes stare back at her blankly. She can't remember them ever being so empty. Her hand pulls back as if the mirror burns her and she bites her lips as the unforgiving surface pricks her heartbeat. After all, Lisanna was the one who wasn't meant to live. She doesn't even realize it as her hand punches the silver glass broken and blood mixes with shards of something sharp.

Lisanna prays for the pain to stay.

_**/ / /**_

They're still all so bright; beautiful, even. This place is full of people who are meant to be something greater than them – apart of something bigger.

Except for her, that is – the girl who was never meant to be.

**_/ / /_**

_hardcore lisanna feels. i love her so much - lisanna haters can back off okay. i love her. so much. she's my bby. bickslowxlisanna anyone? eh? _

_anyways, idk what this was - i guess just a random outburst of.. of randomness. whatever. i think lisanna is secretly depressed. anyone else? no? meh. so i just really love her and i think her character is a little underrated and gets a lot of unnecessary hate and shit. i mean, come on guys, we all know NaLu is endgame and lisanna is not a "love rival". GOSH. _

_sorry about that. love you all. review if you liked it! or hated it! or whatever'd it! flames are welcome (but highly unappreciated). _


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